Thursday, December 18, 2008
There aren't any meetings I can go to.
Other people go to meetings, stand up in front of a group of individuals. Their faces laced with several degrees of intense emotion, they may look across the room or stare at their hands, fingers twisted in front of them.
They stand there and say their names and admit to their addiction.
“Hi, my name is John, and I am an alcoholic.”
But there aren't any meetings for my addiction. No one would take them seriously, I reckon. Although I do figure there are millions of girls near my age (or not even close, for that matter!) who could use one.
Since there aren't any meetings for me, I'm going to go ahead and use this blog as a sounding board.
Hi, my name is J., and I am an attentionaholic.
I haven't always been so helplessly addicted to this vice of mine. There was once upon a time a day when I yearned for the affection of only one man. No, I didn't know who he was yet exactly, but I knew the guy undressing me with his eyes from across the room was probably not him.
I don't know the point at which I fell, but I have been able to identify my enabler, which had been providing me with access to unparalleled levels of attention from every direction. Whenever I'd try to give it up, there my enabler would be, loosely disguised as something else and all the more tempting for it.
I'd try to give up the attention, but every chance I got, there I'd find myself, back at the source.
After several bouts of severe disappointment brought on by an onslaught of bad attention, I made a decision. And I've followed through.
I went cold turkey.
I deleted my Internet dating profile.
The first few days were pretty tough, I will admit. I'd start to log in to the website, quickly realizing it was pointless. What would I do there, if I couldn't get attention? I wasn't going to log on just to make small talk, that was for sure.
I'd start to think about using other enablers. There are guys who would love the opportunity for me to bask in their attention-filled glow. I could text one. I could call another. Hey, I'm friends with several on MySpace...
And then I'd remind myself. I am better than that. I am stronger. With God's will I can do this and break the chains of my addiction.
My mom always told me that it only takes one. It only takes the attention of one man to squelch the desire for the attention of many. And really, the attention of many hasn't been at all fulfilling anyway.